BTW, this is a PARODY, meant for humor, not ridicule. If you have
no sense of humor, don't bother to read it.
JEF [Formerly known as Jim Faubel]
INTERVIEW
REV. JIM: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to "Reverend Jim's Wide,
Wonderful World of Religion." I'm Reverend Jim and I'll be your host in this
series of interviews with prominent people in the religious world. Religion
has always been important to Americans. This country was founded by pilgrims
seeking fertile soil in which to plant their religious prejudices and our
laws were derived from the Judeo-Christian
tradition. It was the strength of our religious convictions which gave us
the courage and stamina to clear the land, wipe out the indians, and make
this country safe for exploitation.
There has been a religious revival going on in America in the last
several years, creating a great deal of confusion and concern on the part of
many people.
Especially of concern to parents are the many cults that now appear to
be running rampant. Today, there are more religious groups in America than
in any other country in the civilized world.
This program was begun to allow religious people to speak openly of
their purposes for being, their teachings, activities and goals. It will
also allow responsible leaders of established religions to condemn...uh...to
talk about these new cults. Later, we will be sponsoring debates between
cult leaders and representatives of established religions.
Another purpose for these interviews is to promote free speech
about religious matters. In this I follow the example of Woodrow Wilson who
said, "I have always been among those who believed that the greatest freedom
of speech was the greatest safety, because, if a man is a fool, the best
thing to do is to encourage him to advertise the fact by speaking."
Today, my guest is the Reverend Harry Furball, founder of the Oral
Majority and Pastor of the Fiberty Baptist Church in Sinburg, Virginia.
Welcome Reverend Furball.
REV. FURBALL: Thank you. It's a pleasure to be here, Reverend Jim.
REV. JIM: Tell you what. I hear the title "Reverend" so often that I'm
about sick of it. What do you say we do this interview on a first name basis?
REV. FURBALL: That would be alright with me.
REV. JIM: Tell me, Harry, about the purposes and goals of the Oral Majority.
REV. FURBALL: I'm glad you brought up the subject of the Oral Majority.
I hate to start correcting you so early in the interview; but, actually I am
not the founder of the Oral Majority.
REV. JIM: Well, I'm glad you did correct me. This comes as somewhat of a
surprise. Who did found the Oral Majority?
REV. FURBALL: Well, I guess you could say that God is the founder. It
was His idea. He told me to set it up. Of course, He couldn't sign the
corporation papers; so I signed them for Him.
REV. JIM: Why did you call it the Oral Majority?
REV. FURBALL: Because it's scriptural. According to the Bible, the Word
of God is the creative agent of the universe. In other words, God SPOKE the
world into existence. You can't get more oral than that, can you? And Psalm
34:8 says, "Taste and see that the Lord is good;" and in Psalm 199, verse
103, David says to God, "How sweet are they words unto my taste." Hebrews
Chapter 6, verses 4 and 5, speaks of Christians who have tasted the Word of
God and tasted "the heavenly gift," which of course refers to Jesus
Christ who said in John 6, verses 35-41 that He was the Bread of Life which
came down from heaven.
REV. JIM: I understand that you take the Bible quite literally. Is that
true?
REV. FURBALL: Yes, it certainly is. And we are very proud of the fact
that we now have plans for Bibles in 12 different flavors, one for each of
the 12 apostles, plus a special communion edition for Christ Himself. We had
a devil of a time...I mean, there was some difficulty at first in coming up
with a good, readable, non-toxic ink; but once we had that, it was no
trouble at all to add the artificial flavors. Tutti-Fruity is my favorite.
REV. JIM: Well...I actually was referring to your interpretation of the
Bible, but this is more interesting. Why edible Bibles?
REV. FURBALL: Because we no longer have Christ in the flesh; so
scripture, which is the Word of God, is now the best representative we have
of the heavenly Bread of Life. And, there is scriptural precedent for it. In
Ezekiel, Chapter 2, verse 8 through Chapter 3, verse 3, we learn that the
Angel of the Lord gave Ezekiel a book and told him to eat it. In Revelation
10, verses 9 and 10, John the Apostle was given a similar book and told to
eat it. And, like those books, our Bible are also sweetened with honey. We
don't use sugar or artificial sweeteners. REV. JIM: What is the paper of
these Bibles made of?
REV. FURBALL: That is a secret, patented process, so I can't go into
detail about it. But I can assure you that all the ingredients that go into
our Bibles are 100% natural, bio-degradable, and completely digestible.
Every three chapters, which is the recommended daily dose, contains 100% of
the recommended daily requirements of all essential vitamins and minerals.
REV. JIM: Why three chapters a day?
REV. FURBALL: Oh, that goes way back. The program was developed by a
group called the Navigators, and it consists of reading two chapters of the
Old Testament and one chapter of the New Testament everyday. By the end of
one year you will have read the entire Bible through. With our program,
after you read each chapter, you tear it out and eat it. I should also
mention that our Bibles have more fiber than even 100% brand cereal. This
helps us obey John 15:3 which tells us that we must be cleansed by the Word.
REV. JIM: How do you get your Bibles to stay fresh for an entire year?
REV. FURBALL: Good question. I'm glad you brought that up. We spend
several thousand dollars trying to come up with the best solution for this
freshness problem. After much prayer and discussion, we have come up with
what we believe is the perfect solution.
Our members will receive one packet each month. Each packet is
hermetically sealed from air and moisture. Each packet contains one month of
Bible reading and feasting. Once the packet has been opened, of course, it
has to be kept in the refrigerator. Each month, a new packet is received
through the mail. Of course, when our centers have opened all over the
country, the general public as well as our membership can purchase their
edible Bibles locally.
REV. JIM: Oh, you have plans for opening Oral Majority centers around
the country?
REV. FURBALL: Yes, although we haven't come up with a good name for the
centers yet.
The Oral Majority will only sponsor and help franchise these centers of
scriptural eatery. We have, however, already decided on a distinctive logo -
"The Golden Gates."
REV. JIM: Isn't that a little close to "The Golden Arches"?
REV. FURBALL: But the "Golden Gates" is in the Bible which was around a
long time before McDonalds.
REV. JIM: Will you be selling other things to eat besides scripture packets?
REV. FURBALL: Oh, yes, of course. We want to attract the general public
as well.
Eventually we want to have centers all over the world. We believe that,
once we've gotten every person in the world to at least taste of the Word of
God, then the prophecies of the scripture will have been fulfilled and
Christ can come again in glory.
So, along with our Scripture Packets, which are really more for our
dedicated members, we will be offering a variety of Scripturally empowered
oral delights. For example, we already have plans for a foot long John's Hot
Dog which will contain John 3:16; a Peta Bread Fish Sandwich which will
contain Peter's confession: "Thou art the Christ, the Son of the living
God"; Paul's Carrot Cake (remember, Paul had trouble with his eyesight); and
Adam's Spare Ribs. The barbecue sauce for these ribs will be mixed with the
first three chapters of Genesis, which tell of the fall of man, and will be
cooked on what we call "God's Barbecue Pit," which we hope will remind
people that, because of Adam and Eve's sin, they are going to hell unless
they see the light and come to Jesus. And, each center will have a Lord's
Supper Banquet Room where families can eat together and meetings can be held.
REV. JIM: I understood you to say, on many occasions, that the Oral
Majority is a political rather than a religious organization.
REV. FURBALL: That's right. I signed the corporation papers as a private
citizen, not as a preacher. As a private citizen, I have a duty to do what I
can to strengthen the Oral Fiber of this country. Our Scripture Eating
Centers will be set up like profit making enterprises and we will pay taxes
on the profits just like McDonald's does.
At this point, I'd like to take a moment to dispel a vicious rumor
I've heard going around. While it is true that some of our more (I hate to
use the term) "liberal" members still have to take our Bibles with a little
salt, it is definitely NOT TRUE that we use wine to wash them down. We use
grape juice. We have always used grape juice and we always will use grape
juice. There! I'm glad I had a chance to clear that up publicly.
REV. JIM: And I'm glad you were able to do it on this program. Thank you
for coming.
Ladies and gentlemen, you've been listening to Reverend Jim's Wide,
Wonderful World of Religion. Tune in again next week when my guest will be
Warner Airhead, the founder of Pest Training.
END
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